So, trailing through my favourite paper this morning I came across one particular article that made me really sad – it’s titled “Mothers, stop moaning” (by author Bibi Lynch)  She is sick of women complaining that motherhood is hard when the pain of knowing she will never have children is so difficult to bear.

The article closes with “I will never be pregnant, never be protected by the father of my child, never be loved as the mother of his child, never love like you love, and never be loved as you’re loved. I will never mean as much to anyone as you do.”

What a statement! It also brought up the discussions I had with people around stepfamilies and especially step mums not being acknowledged on Mother’s day – as one step mum stated:  “Longing to get acknowledgment and love from the step kids while knowing it’ll probably never happen drains my spirit.”

I can’t help but feel the sadness and resignation in those statements – knowing a bit about those situations myself, but I also believe there is power in acceptance and surrender – surrender not resignation.

What’s the difference? Well it is exhausting to swim against the current – trying to fight something you cannot change. It’s the resistance that wears us out – it’s what locks us inside of the emotional pain of a situation. It just comes from that deep desire we have for things to be different, but they are not… while wishing, hoping, fighting we are stuck in the very situation we don’t want, life just goes by…

Debbie Ford says in her book “Spiritual Divorce” : “When we surrender, we say: “This is what life is dealing me right now and even though I’d like it to be different,  I will allow it to be as it is”.

So then a new pathway can open up for us out of the life we don’t want. We can see how to have a great life that might be different to what we thought it would be, but nevertheless great, happy and fulfilling.

Surrender is an act of courage, for sure. But how much longer do you want to hold on to old beliefs, stories, interpretations and old decisions? How much longer do you want to stay stuck in the past?

Once you are able to let go, new possibilities and opportunities can show up…

To get started have a look at Debbie Ford’s new book “Courage”, journal, practice awareness on what is going on in your life, hire a coach…

Give yourself a chance to change that story of “I will never mean as much to anyone as you do” to “I’m filled up with so much love, that I can be rejected by 90 % of the world and still feel great about myself” (from the book “Courage”)

I have 3 Courage books to give away – just drop me a line and let me know where in your life you need courage and one of the books could be yours.

I always thought myself to be a courageous person – after all I moved continents, started a new life in another country, different language, different culture… you get the picture, but when I embarked on the process of Courage Coaching – a new program based on Debbie Ford’s brand new book – I was blown away by the results of making friends with my fears… Inspite of every-day challenges and life hick-ups thrown at me I’m now happier and more at peace with myself than ever before.
In this day and age we need to be brave for our families and to reach our goals…

If you feel yourself shrink in the face of life’s challenges, make yourself small to fit into some role, or keep your mouth shut when you want to speak out, there is a solution!  And the solution already exists inside of you. You only need the directions to find it.

That’s why I’m excited to tell you about Debbie Ford’s new book
Courage: Overcoming Fear & Igniting Self-Confidence, a proven transformational process to support you in accessing your most courageous self.

If you order the book today and go to www.thecouragebook.com  you can sign up to receive amazing free gifts and prizes.

Experience a new kind of courage and confidence that will propel you into an infinitely beautiful and inspiring future by reading Courage: Overcoming Fear & Igniting Self-Confidence. 

Denial of Emotions through the Eyes of a Dieter

An analogy that clearly explains what I mean about suppressing our emotions would be best explained by watching the person who wants to lose weight and who goes on a very strict diet. Chocolate cake becomes the enemy and must be eliminated at all costs. However, in a weak moment that person succumbs to the temptation, slipping up on his or her diet and rushing to indulge and binge on just the very thing they think they must give up. Once a person goes to that place of indulgence, they find it extremely difficult to get back on track. In contrast, had that person allowed themselves a small portion of chocolate cake, instead of denying themselves altogether, they would have satisfied the urge for chocolate cake and more quickly and easily been able to stay on track.

Ebbs and Flows of Life

By the same token, we think that all feelings of sadness or unhappiness are the enemy and that if we experience these emotions there must be something wrong with us. Once experiencing these so called uncomfortable emotions, we scramble around trying to stop anything that smacks of sadness, holding back tears and pretending to be all smiles. But, no one can keep that up forever, as life is made up of ebbs and flows, just like the waves of the ocean. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. Sometimes, for no apparent reason or for a very good reason, we feel sad, and when sadness hits, many people lose their way. Thinking that something is amiss, they immediately try to suppress these so-called “bad” feelings because they think they are wrong. Just like the chocolate cake and binge eating, the more we try to push away these feelings the harder it is to climb out of the hole. And once there, we feel terrified of not being able to rid ourselves of the sadness that we feel inside.

What are Feelings and Emotions?

The real truth is that feelings and emotions are simply that: feelings and emotions. They come and go, move through us just like “visitors”. The following beautiful poem by Rumi called “The Guesthouse,” describes it best.

The Guest House

This being human is a guesthouse.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

As Rumi so eloquently puts, there is nothing to be afraid of and no need to push emotions away. Yet, many people feel the need to keep busy, take yoga classes, meditate and stay on the move, making every effort to hide their feelings and rid themselves of emotions entirely. However, when we push hard against our emotions, we are not allowing ourselves to be, mostly because we fear what we perceive as that horrible feeling of sadness. If instead, we could just be with all of our emotions and not make any one of them wrong or bad, we would have much smoother sailing. In fact, if we just let our feelings and emotions come and go, we would find the balance in our lives that we all yearn for, plus we would feel more alive. Plainly stated, pushing our emotions away keeps them there for a longer period of time. Consequently, when we allow ourselves to surrender into the sadness without resistance, it leaves much sooner.

The Fear of Sadness

Based on my years of working with clients, I have found that people are afraid to feel sadness because they think it will last forever. Some people have held back their sadness for so long they think the dam will burst and they won’t be able to stop the sadness. Nothing could be further from the truth. The only time that sadness is not healthy is when someone feels sad all the time. That person is usually someone who has not dealt with any feelings from childhood or perhaps they haven’t sought out a way to gain emotional strength or they might be suffering from a clinical condition. A person who is emotionally healthy is comfortable with his or her own sadness. They know it’s a healthy sign to express sadness because that person is in touch with all their feelings.

An Emotionally Healthy Person

To define an emotionally healthy person, my interpretation would be a person who has the ability to feel and express all their emotions without fear. An emotionally healthy person has the ability to celebrate or indulge their sadness because they know that sadness is not long lasting. Once a person feels their sadness, they can trust that it will disappear. It is a truism that when we feel our emotions without suppressing them the emotion dissipates. As we deal with sadness in a healthy way, we are being true to our emotions and ourselves. We can receive the insights and gifts our emotions have to offer and by doing so, we’re helping to make room for lots more happiness.
]]> http://heikeberenscoach.com/2012/05/02/celebrating-or-indulging-our-sadness-is-healthy/feed/ 0 heikeberenscoach http://heikeberenscoach.com/2012/01/23/2012-a-transformational-year/ http://heikeberenscoach.com/2012/01/23/2012-a-transformational-year/#comments Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:47:33 +0000 heikeberenscoach http://heikeberenscoach.com/?p=51 Continue reading →]]> Well, here we are the first month of the new year nearly gone, most New Year resolutions already forgotten – thank goodness for Chinese New Year, so we can try it all again!

Asking friends and family about their resolutions and reflecting on my own, one thing becomes clear: we all tend to have the same New Year resolutions year after year after year…

One of these days I will lose those last kilos, be really fit, get my career on track, have a better relationship with my partner and family…

This year, we say, everything is going to change… and then all is forgotten come February or March…

Being a therapist and coach myself I cannot believe that I’m in the same place every year. After all I studied it all, I should know better! Or so the story goes… But I’m only human and so I forget what is in my “toolbox” at times…

According to the Chinese Horoscope 2012 is the year of the Water Dragon – a year that stands for transformational life changes, a good year for self-improvement – 2012 holds much promise…

Sounds like my year! This year I am ready for change! Are you?

I am reading and practising Debbie Ford’s “The 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse” (again).

What a great process to clean out the “cobwebs” i.e. toxic thoughts, destructive behaviours, old patterns and all that no longer serves me. Cleansed and humbled I can then be truly present to what is, and more to the point who I am being and step into my next phase of evolution and see who I want to be in the future.

Debbie says: “When we are hungry for something to make us feel good about ourselves and we refuse to take care of our inner needs, we do stupid things.”

We all know those “stupid things” – these are those old patterns that make us break the New Year (and any other) resolutions time and time again.

It is from a place of healing that we can make better decisions, decisions that will inspire us and empower us.

I don’t know about you, but I already feel the excitement of 2012 filling my heart and soul.

And what if we could remove those old patterns for good? I know from my own experience how much courage it takes to dive into the unknown, and to face the hidden pains we need to confront to reconnect with our heart and our soul.

What helps me with this process is asking myself some hard questions at times and journal about them, something like:

Am I ready for change? What could prevent me from creating this change I desire? And can I be ok with the occasional relapse? And how would I get back on track?  Being prepared for those situations helps to move through them so much quicker.

One of my all time favourite books, that is a fixture on my bedside table is “The right questions” by Debbie Ford. It is a guide, you can always draw on – one of those “tools” that always gets you back on track.

A coach supports and guides you on your journey, bringing about the shift you desire – one of the best gifts you can give yourself. I wouldn’t want to miss my sessions with my coach for anything in the world.  

Most of all reach out to someone, talk about what moves you, be part of a community. It is in the connectedness to others that we find healing and joy.

It’s that time of year again, with the holidays looming large before us and a particularly challenging time for those who are separated, divorced or experiencing difficulties in a relationship. Perhaps this is your first Christmas alone after a long-term relationship or maybe it’s your 10th Christmas on your own. Regardless of whether it’s a new experience or an old one, you are very possibly dreading the holidays. As a counselor and divorced person myself, I by no means intend to minimize the challenge of facing Christmas without a partner, because I know first hand that it can be very difficult, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Preparing for the Holidays

It seems that no matter how much we try to prepare ourselves, when the holidays begin, many people feel like hiding in a cave. What makes it even more difficult is seeing all the TV images that show blissful people and families spending happy moments together. Messages of love, peace and joy are thrown at us at every turn. So, to you, who are now facing the holiday on your own, it might feel as if you are the only person in the world fending for yourself. But, let me assure you, you are not alone. While TV ads make it all look fabulous, the holidays are actually a difficult time for countless numbers of people even for those who may be in relationship.

How to Beat the Holiday Blues

While it may seem that you are stuck with the bad feelings surrounding the so-called festivities, there are things you can do to make the holidays a little less stressful. To beat the holiday blues, try adopting a few of the following ideas, as they may have a positive impact on the way you move forward with your life.

1. Begin by knowing that more than likely there will be some sadness if this is your first holiday alone. Be okay with the sadness. Remember, what you resist, persists, so if you start to feel sad, keep in mind that sadness is just another emotion, If you allow yourself to feel the sadness without running away from it, it will pass through you more quickly. Once you let yourself feel your feelings, you’ll make room for other happier feelings that will take the place of the sadness.

2. Have the courage to reach out to family members and friends. It’s okay to let people know that you’d like to spend time with them since this is your first holiday alone. Or better yet, invite them to your house and host the celebration. If neither is possible, make yourself available to those who may also be alone for the holidays, or volunteer for a charity where you are making a contribution of yourself. Giving is one of the best ways of diminishing the lonely feelings.

3. If you’re a single parent, now is a good time to start a new tradition with your children and watch it lift your spirits. A woman I know started a tradition of reading a special Christmas story each night to her children. The kids loved it and looked forward to a new story every evening. It was such a success, she compiled the best Christmas stories ever told and had it published. Perhaps you and your kids could do something similar or possibly you could gather together and make ornaments that signify the beginning of a new life. If the children are old enough, ask them for their ideas for making Christmas a little brighter. You’d be surprised at how creative children can be. Whatever you decide, use this opportunity to “try on” new ways of spending the festive days in a more satisfying way.

4. Pay attention to the choices that have led you to where you are right now and see all the changes you’ve already made in your life. Pat yourself on the back and acknowledge yourself for all the inroads you have made. It takes courage to make changes, and you’ve proven that you have that kind of courage. Each year will bring new experiences and every Christmas will get easier and more enjoyable.

5. Ask yourself whether there are any new choices you can make that will propel you in the direction of a more inspiring future. When you get your answer, don’t be afraid to take a few chances and run with them. Starting a new life can be very exciting, especially when you relax and allow yourself to enjoy the changes. Take a few risks and watch how good you will feel.

Bear in mind that the holidays last for a short while, so put them in proper perspective. Instead of throwing the holidays out of proportion, remember that before long, things will be back to normal.

Why not use the holidays as a way of setting the ground work for your new beginning. Make up your mind that you’re going to show up differently in your life and your relationships. As Debbie Ford says in her book, The Right Questions, “Every choice we make leads us in one of two directions. We are headed either towards a future that inspires us or toward a past that limits us.”

Which direction are you headed? Why not use this year’s holiday season to start moving in a new direction. Move into an inspiring new year filled with joy, fulfillment and happiness by giving yourself the gift of healing your heart.

Driving home from work the other day this thought hit me: how many days have I spent wishing them away?  Far too many, I suppose… so I started reflecting on what can shift my thinking…. and one thing came to mind: gratitude.

What? Am I supposed to be grateful for my horrible days? You might ask… as did I!

Yes, in a way… but it is the wrong question! The right question would be “Am I looking for what is right or am I looking for what is wrong?” (from Debbie Ford, “The right questions”)

If I experience my days like “one of these days” chances are I am most likely looking for what is wrong, i.e. focussing on all that is not working, that is wrong and irritating me.

So if I shifted that to looking for what is right? What could I see?

Maybe I could see the rainbow, see how the rain fills up our depleted catchments. I might see the person who just waves to let me into the intersection – and I might even see the smile on their face… I could feel my heart open, could feel love and gratitude for all that is good in my life fill me up… and then would I still wish this day was over? Probably not!

In recent times, the economical upheaval and apprehension of what may still come has placed many of us under quite a bit of undue tension. As human beings, we are not comfortable when things are unpredictable or when we don’t know what is going to happen, which means tension builds, often spreading into our relationships, particularly with those closest to us. With that kind of stress in our every day lives, we end up having more disagreements and arguments as well as a great deal of misery. But it doesn’t have to be that way. While it may take a bit of effort and the willingness to look at things a little differently, we do have the power to break the cycle of conflict and improve upon our relationships.

Breaking the Cycle

So, where and how do we begin to stop the cycle of conflict? We begin by first recognizing the most important aspect of conflict, which is acknowledging that conflict by itself is not a bad thing. Conflict just means we are not in agreement with the other person. And although many people are terrified of conflict, especially in close relationships, conflict allows us to learn more about the other person and about ourselves. Why are people afraid of conflict? Mostly because they learned from early on that fighting is bad. We’re told to aim for “total bliss”, a myth that has spread throughout our society. Of course we need and want relationships that are harmonious, but without some conflict, we are stopped from growing as individuals as well as in our relationships. If everyone were in total agreement, think about how dreary and humdrum life would be.

How to Look at Conflict in a Constructive Way

After accepting the fact that we have our differences, we need to take action in a way that allows us to use the tension or conflict in a more positive way. In other words, we want to look at conflict in a constructive manner. We begin by recognizing tension for what it is: strain, nervousness, agitation or apprehension. Tension evolves from an unhealthy sequence of events that usually makes us reactive. However, where there is a real situation of conflict, it can be resolved or at least negotiated. Consequently, the first step is to accept the situation exactly as it is, without forming any particular opinion about the situation.

Observe What Is Happening

Stop for a moment and see the situation or the problem by simply observing what is happening. For example, consider the following scenarios. Your live in partner has decided to move out after years of cohabitating. Your wife or husband has filed for divorce. You don’t feel accepted as a stepparent. Your boss wants you to do things in a certain way and you are tired of trying to please her. These are just a few situations that might be causing tension and conflict in your life. And most of the time, when a conflict occurs, we resist it. But when we resist the facts and we unconsciously try to change the facts without success, we may become angry, frustrated and resentful. Once we are in that place, we become a victim of circumstances. We then blame the other person, the circumstances and even the universe.

See the Situation Differently

For most people, when a situation presents itself that we don’t like, we assume, we are correct in our evaluation of the situation. However, to use conflict effectively, we have to remember that for any given event or any experience, we “choose” the way we see the event or experience. The meaning becomes relevant to us and the pain starts with the meaning we have assigned to the facts. Let’s suppose a relationship breaks up and the couple gets a divorce. Or perhaps you are living in a stepparent environment and your stepchild ignores you when you come into the room. Those are the plain facts! We might think to ourselves: “I’m not good enough”- “I’m a terrible spouse and that’s why he or she left me.”My step child hates me. I’m never respected.” Once we are aware that we choose the meaning of the situation, we can change how we see it and let it take us to the next step. When we take the focus off of ourselves, we step into the other person’s shoes. We then see the world through another’s eyes, which immediately alters the situation.

Stepping Outside of Yourself

Letting go of our position and looking at things from another point of view is not easy and I’m not saying it can happen immediately. However, when you step outside of yourself, you just might be able to see that the step child could feel insecure around you, simply because he or she doesn’t know you well enough. You might also stop and remember that when you were a teenager, you only wanted to talk to your friends and not to your parents. Or in the relationship scenario, if you were honest with yourself, you would probably have to admit that the relationship hadn’t been working all that well for quite some time. When you look at the whole picture, you are able to see that your relationship has been unhappy for a long time. When you can see the situation from another vantage point, it enables you to feel compassion for the other person and for what they are experiencing, which puts your own hurt and pain into perspective.

Being Calm and Level Headed

Of course, it is much easier to be generous and objective when we are calm and have had a chance to think things through. Oftentimes, it helps to take time out to recover before you can explore this idea of changing your perception. Nonetheless, if you want to release the pain of conflict, you have to see the conflict from another perspective. Taking this step and trying to view the situation through the other person’s eyes will very often result in a breakthrough. At Stepfamilies Australia, we conduct courses in a program called “Making Stepfamilies Work.” During these courses we spend a great deal of time looking at all the different perspectives within a stepfamily because we know from experience, healing often comes when there is an understanding about what is going on for all the people involved. This strategy is one of the most powerful ways of working through conflict and improving relationships.

A New Perspective Means a New Outlook

Once we have this new outlook, we are able to see our role in being a co-creator of the actual situation. We can then discover the role we played in the situation. Maybe we didn’t set firm boundaries around what we wanted. Perhaps we had not communicated our needs and wishes. Possibly we expected the other person to read our minds or know our feelings. Once we are able to see how we participated in the problem, we are one step closer to freeing ourselves from conflict. Plainly stated, we are no longer a victim of our circumstances, but are more in control of our lives. We are then able to see other options that lead us to a happier and more fulfilled life.

That is a message I received recently from one of my clients – it put a smile on my face – of course, but as much as I would like to take credit for the healing of this relationship, I have to give it to the Spiritual Divorce process (based on Debbie Ford’s book “Spiritual Divorce – Divorce as a catalyst to an extraordinary life) and to my client.

When this client contacted me she was very unhappy in her marriage and struggling not only in the relationship with her husband, but even more in the relationship with her stepdaughter.

While we put stepfamily counselling into the mix, she also decided to take the Spiritual Divorce coaching program – a 13 week program designed to give you support in releasing the pain, disappointment and guilt of the past.

Leading her through the process of acceptance, surrender, divine guidance, responsibility, choice, forgiveness and creation, I watched her step into her power, her light and take charge of where she wanted to be.

The relationship with her stepdaughter changed for the better and her message above speaks for itself with regards to her marriage.

Was it easy? Was it magic? It was certainly not easy, magic was involved, as far as I’m concerned there is always magic in life, if we open ourselves to it, but what brought her change about was her willingness to show up, her commitment to the process. She stepped into it and moved through it – and came out the other end with lasting change.

I feel privileged to be a witness to that, my heart sings and I’m overflowing with joy – this is why I love this work! 

Paulo Coelho says “Profound commitment to a dream does not confine or constrain: it liberates. Even a difficult, winding path can lead to your goal if you follow it to the end.”

What are you committed to these days? It doesn’t have to be this kind of work.

Maybe you want to lose a few kilos, get fit, have more time for yourself and/or your family – commitment means focus and discipline, showing up and following through – find your “liberation” today!

Here is a movie that might explain this phenomenon and more – it shows how the shadow operates in our lives. As Debbie Ford says in the movie “What we can’t be with, won’t let us be” – when we push down the things we don’t want to be or consider bad, we close down whole areas of our being, of what makes us who we are. From these depths the shadow material can contaminate our choices and might start running our lives. The harder we try to hide it, the more it is showing up in our environment. It is only when we can shine a light on these shadows, find the gifts in them and embrace them that we can start to heal and finally enjoy the freedom to be who we truly are. We find forgiveness and compassion for ourselves and for others…

The movie is powerful and yet very clear and easy to understand. It brings awareness and offers a pathway to healing –  wherever you are on your journey of self-discovery you will find a new answer.

I have watched the movie now many times, and every time I see something new, find a new awareness.

The movie is designed to get you thinking and feeling. It may make you uncomfortable at times, but that is actually a good thing, because awareness is the first step towards creating a life you love.

The movie can be found here: www.theshadoweffect.com