In recent times, the economical upheaval and apprehension of what may still come has placed many of us under quite a bit of undue tension. As human beings, we are not comfortable when things are unpredictable or when we don’t know what is going to happen, which means tension builds, often spreading into our relationships, particularly with those closest to us. With that kind of stress in our every day lives, we end up having more disagreements and arguments as well as a great deal of misery. But it doesn’t have to be that way. While it may take a bit of effort and the willingness to look at things a little differently, we do have the power to break the cycle of conflict and improve upon our relationships.
Breaking the Cycle
So, where and how do we begin to stop the cycle of conflict? We begin by first recognizing the most important aspect of conflict, which is acknowledging that conflict by itself is not a bad thing. Conflict just means we are not in agreement with the other person. And although many people are terrified of conflict, especially in close relationships, conflict allows us to learn more about the other person and about ourselves. Why are people afraid of conflict? Mostly because they learned from early on that fighting is bad. We’re told to aim for “total bliss”, a myth that has spread throughout our society. Of course we need and want relationships that are harmonious, but without some conflict, we are stopped from growing as individuals as well as in our relationships. If everyone were in total agreement, think about how dreary and humdrum life would be.
How to Look at Conflict in a Constructive Way
After accepting the fact that we have our differences, we need to take action in a way that allows us to use the tension or conflict in a more positive way. In other words, we want to look at conflict in a constructive manner. We begin by recognizing tension for what it is: strain, nervousness, agitation or apprehension. Tension evolves from an unhealthy sequence of events that usually makes us reactive. However, where there is a real situation of conflict, it can be resolved or at least negotiated. Consequently, the first step is to accept the situation exactly as it is, without forming any particular opinion about the situation.
Observe What Is Happening
Stop for a moment and see the situation or the problem by simply observing what is happening. For example, consider the following scenarios. Your live in partner has decided to move out after years of cohabitating. Your wife or husband has filed for divorce. You don’t feel accepted as a stepparent. Your boss wants you to do things in a certain way and you are tired of trying to please her. These are just a few situations that might be causing tension and conflict in your life. And most of the time, when a conflict occurs, we resist it. But when we resist the facts and we unconsciously try to change the facts without success, we may become angry, frustrated and resentful. Once we are in that place, we become a victim of circumstances. We then blame the other person, the circumstances and even the universe.
See the Situation Differently
For most people, when a situation presents itself that we don’t like, we assume, we are correct in our evaluation of the situation. However, to use conflict effectively, we have to remember that for any given event or any experience, we “choose” the way we see the event or experience. The meaning becomes relevant to us and the pain starts with the meaning we have assigned to the facts. Let’s suppose a relationship breaks up and the couple gets a divorce. Or perhaps you are living in a stepparent environment and your stepchild ignores you when you come into the room. Those are the plain facts! We might think to ourselves: “I’m not good enough”- “I’m a terrible spouse and that’s why he or she left me.”My step child hates me. I’m never respected.” Once we are aware that we choose the meaning of the situation, we can change how we see it and let it take us to the next step. When we take the focus off of ourselves, we step into the other person’s shoes. We then see the world through another’s eyes, which immediately alters the situation.
Stepping Outside of Yourself
Letting go of our position and looking at things from another point of view is not easy and I’m not saying it can happen immediately. However, when you step outside of yourself, you just might be able to see that the step child could feel insecure around you, simply because he or she doesn’t know you well enough. You might also stop and remember that when you were a teenager, you only wanted to talk to your friends and not to your parents. Or in the relationship scenario, if you were honest with yourself, you would probably have to admit that the relationship hadn’t been working all that well for quite some time. When you look at the whole picture, you are able to see that your relationship has been unhappy for a long time. When you can see the situation from another vantage point, it enables you to feel compassion for the other person and for what they are experiencing, which puts your own hurt and pain into perspective.
Being Calm and Level Headed
Of course, it is much easier to be generous and objective when we are calm and have had a chance to think things through. Oftentimes, it helps to take time out to recover before you can explore this idea of changing your perception. Nonetheless, if you want to release the pain of conflict, you have to see the conflict from another perspective. Taking this step and trying to view the situation through the other person’s eyes will very often result in a breakthrough. At Stepfamilies Australia, we conduct courses in a program called “Making Stepfamilies Work.” During these courses we spend a great deal of time looking at all the different perspectives within a stepfamily because we know from experience, healing often comes when there is an understanding about what is going on for all the people involved. This strategy is one of the most powerful ways of working through conflict and improving relationships.
A New Perspective Means a New Outlook
Once we have this new outlook, we are able to see our role in being a co-creator of the actual situation. We can then discover the role we played in the situation. Maybe we didn’t set firm boundaries around what we wanted. Perhaps we had not communicated our needs and wishes. Possibly we expected the other person to read our minds or know our feelings. Once we are able to see how we participated in the problem, we are one step closer to freeing ourselves from conflict. Plainly stated, we are no longer a victim of our circumstances, but are more in control of our lives. We are then able to see other options that lead us to a happier and more fulfilled life.
Well, here we are the first month of the new year nearly gone, most New Year resolutions already forgotten – thank goodness for Chinese New Year, so we can try it all again!
